Expressions of Ambivalence and Contradiction

I have a confession to make.

Well, it's not a true confession, it's more of an expression of ambivalence and perhaps even contradiction. 

I miss the voice I used to have on my blog when I was still single.  

This is so crazy, but my blog persona has become kind of one note now.  All I talk about is school and my fiancé.  Not only that, but I also post a whole lot less than I used to.

But to be fair, school and my fiancé are what my life is about now, so what else am I supposed to talk about?  And naturally, I'm going to post less because my priorities have shifted.

I don't want things to be different.  I don't want things to be the way they were.  I am 100% happy with the way things are now.  And I'm 100% looking forward to how things are going to be in the future: after I get married, after I finish school, after I get a job and start a new chapter in a new place...

There is nothing in me that wants anything to retrogress.  I like being in this place.  For now.  Not just this engaged place, but this place in my career, in my schooling, this place in my life as a whole.  It's still a transitional place.  It's a place that's taken (and is still taking) some getting used to.  But overall, there's nothing about it that makes me truly want to return to another time.

I'm still in wonder about the fact that I'm in love.  The very real fact that I am now inextricably linked to someone else.  That I depend on someone else and that someone else depends on me.  The very real fact that I have chosen and I have been chosen and that this choosing is for life.  I'm still in wonder at this dizzying turn my life has taken.  I'm still in wonder at the idea of someone taking up so much space, and wanting them to take up that space, offering them that space.  I'm in wonder at how I got to the point that all I want is to be with him all the time.

But still...how did that become me?  How did independent, quirky me end up another moony, swoony, distracted girl in love?

I'm not saying I don't want to be that girl in love.  I love being in love. I'm ecstatic over the fact that I've found the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.  How can you explain just wanting to smell someone?  How can you explain the fact that even if he's sweaty he never smells like sweat?  How can you explain the pure feeling of contentment I feel as a result of just looking at his profile while he's driving?  How can you explain loving to watch him eat because there's something endearing about seeing him enjoy what he's eating?  These are inexplicable things.

But do you see how, in spite of the uniqueness of our bond, in spite of the singularity of how I love, of how we love each other, I've somehow been reduced to something ordinary and well-worn?  I have joined the ranks of Girls in Love with Guys.  Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.

Do you see what I'm saying?  That spunky, defensive, creative me who would launch manifestos and write sternly-worded letters to gross guys who tried to holler at me or even to inanimate objects and craft intriguing pieces of creative non-fiction on my blog is now just like, I love him.  Omg, I just love him so much.  Omg, and I'm supposed to be writing my dissertation.  But I'm so distracted, omg.  Do you see what I mean?

Here's something else I haven't been able to figure out: I know when my hair looks to' up.  Let's be real.  I have moments when my hair is in need of washing, looking like an unattractive haystack.  I have moments when my inner 15-year-old bursts out onto my skin and I become the poster child for the "before" picture of a Clearasil ad.  I know these things because they are a part of my reality.  But still, he says, "You are so beautiful."  Can you not see me?  But he's telling me that he does.

This is what I will sporadically write about for now.  It's just where I am right now, this is my life right now.  I might miss my former voice in some ways.  But I'm still me.

Little Things

Wow.  It's been almost a month since I've posted.

This is the second week of class and I've hit the ground running.  Let's backtrack:

1. The beach with my fiancé's family was lovely.  I turned a nice shade of gingerbread (instead of my usual caramel), got lots of breezy reading done, took long walks on the beach and watched the sunrise.  Twice.  There is truly something beautiful and bonding about watching the sunrise with someone you love.  I got to know his family a little bit better.  Which means I got to know him a little bit better.

2. Before we even got back, I was blindsided with the news that I was the instructor of record for a literature course.  I should've been happy about it (teaching literature, after all, is what I'm supposed to be doing with my life), but I was kind of flipping out because I've actually never been in charge of designing a real, live syllabus before.  Thankfully, one of my colleagues super helped me out getting things together, and now I really enjoy it.  I really have a good group of students.  Latino Literature and Culture.  I'm also teaching a section of the second part of Elementary Spanish.  Fun, fun, fun.

3. So, my fiancé's dad sent us a really nice chunk of change for the wedding and my fiancé suggested we open an account to deposit all of our wedding money.  I am positively giddy at the prospect of opening an account together.  Omg.  It will be like our first shared thing.  Like the first thing that we've owned and established together.  It's like, once we open an account together, we're firmly on the marriage road.  It's goin down.

4. I have to describe this sweet thing.  It's a simple thing, but it's a sweet thing.  And the little things, the simple things, are the sweetest.  My fiancé has class at 11 and he gets out right as I leave to go teach my 12:20.  The building where his class is held is not far from the building where I teach.  Usually, when we come to campus together and he leaves for his 11 o'clock, I don't see him again until later in the day.  But yesterday, when I was on my way to my 12:20, I saw him on the corner waiting for me, watching for me.  When he spotted me, he came over, hugged and kissed me and said, "I just wanted to see you."  Just the image of him standing there waiting for me, watching for me because he was unsure of which way I would come, the smile on his face when he saw me, the simple fact that he just wanted to see me, however briefly, before I had to go teach...there was something genuine and pure about that moment. There was something about it that I wanted to hold close.  Something about it that I wanted to preserve forever.

Turn It Off

There's a worrier in my brain and sometimes I want more than anything to turn it off.

The end of this summer is quickly approaching, and I almost feel like I have nothing to show for it.

Things started off rather suckily with my losing my summer assistantship and then having to embark on a job scramble at the last minute in June.  I know, I should be thankful I was even able to find a job. I really can't complain.  I was able to find a decent, non-stressful job for the summer which still allowed me time to work on other things.

However, I have been so unmotivated work wise.  I should be writing my dissertation right now.  But I've been listless.  I have been plodding along with a book review, and I guess there is that thing called a wedding I've been helping to plan as well, but I still feel like I've wasted a wealth of time.  It's a bad feeling.  Knowing you could have done so much more.

If I sat here and started listing the things that the worrier in my brain bothers me about, it would just be overwhelming.  That and unnecessary.  I really just need to take a deep breath and concern myself with today.  With things that I have control over right now.  Like finishing that book review.  Sigh.

Next week is the last week of work before my fiancé and I leave to go to the beach for several days with his family and then come back to get geared up for the fall.  I'll have the opportunity to get to know his family better and have the chance to meet people I haven't met yet.  It's going to be a nice time.  But there is this niggling sense of anxiety over it.  Like I will somehow be uncomfortably on display.  There is no reason for me to feel this way.  I honestly need to get over it because I am becoming more and more aware of how my worries can negatively impact my relationship with my fiancé, and that is the last thing I ever want to do.

I cannot express how profoundly we are connected.  When I read the sentence I just typed, it seems overblown, cliché, but I don't know how else to express it.  A young lady at church recently had a baby and we went to the hospital to visit.  We both took turns holding him and he was a simply healthy, beautiful boy.  When I saw how my fiancé held him and interacted with him I was just overwhelmed with this sense of beauty and longing.  He's going to be a good husband and father, I know it.  I want to have beautiful, healthy children with him, and I try to shut out the voices that remind me of decreasing fertility and increased risks that come with age.  (I'm older than I look.  Believe me.)

Any time we're together, all that matters is that I'm with him.  We just signed a couple of contracts with vendors and businesses for the wedding and we both expressed this feeling of accomplishment, this realization that this is actually happening.  I get excited about the simplest things with him—taking long walks to get frozen yogurt, buying new guitar strings, watching a Charlie Chaplin movie.  When he holds me close he says, "You fit perfectly.  Right here."  And it's true.  As if we were literally made for each other.  There's this indescribable genuineness that our relationship consists of that is overwhelming.  I want to preserve it, protect it, enjoy this precious thing that we have without any worries.

All the Feels

We love each other so much.  It's incredible.  And the best thing is, there's something in both of us that values it deeply.  That doesn't take it for granted.

We talk about our unconceived daughter a lot.  (Yes, she already has a name.)  What we're going to teach her, how she's going to be bilingual, musically inclined, what activities we'll do with her, what games we're going to play with her.  Sometimes when we're out and see an adorable little curly-haired brown girl, we say that's how our daughter will look.

We were shopping at Kroger and I bought some body wash that had our little girl's name in it.  Then my fiancé started talking about her and said that he would give our little daughter a bath and wash her hair and tuck her in and read her a bedtime story in Spanish.  Major swoon.  There was something about the image of him washing her hair that just made me feel all the feels.

Wedding planning is turning out all right.  So far so good.  Venue?  Check.  Photographer?  Check.  Caterer?  Almost check.

We got time, baby.  We got time.

You Still Have You

My mind wanders.  That's something that will never change.

This is something that I've been thinking about for a little while.  Now, I know this is in no way original.  It may even sound cliché.  But even things that are cliché are based in truth.  And that is a cliché.

What I want to say is that no matter what station of life you are in, you still have to deal with you.

I am super thrilled to be engaged.  I super love my fiancé and can't wait to be his wife.  But what I'm saying is that having a fiancé doesn't make me less me.  Having a fiancé doesn't make me not get sad about things that the person I am has a tendency to get sad about.  I'm still who I am. I am happy.  I am grateful.  I do cherish this very precious thing we share and that we've built together.  But, at heart, I'm still the same person I was before I met him.  Falling in love has definitely caused me to re-order a few priorities, but it hasn't caused me to undergo some kind of magical metamorphosis.  I'm still me.  And I still have myself to deal with.

The whole idea of myself being ultimately responsible for my own happiness is an idea that I finally began to grasp when I was still single and had absolutely no prospects on the horizon.  Now that I'm soon to be married, that idea somehow hits home even more.

I do remember how I felt when I struggled with loneliness.  It is a very real, palpable thing that should never be dismissed as a mere matter of perspective or mental fortitude.  It can surface at the most unsuspecting and inconvenient times and manifests itself as a void that can be literally painful.  I know.  I remember.  But what I wish that self knew was that once you're in a relationship, the terms change, but the ultimate responsibility doesn't.

In a relationship, you have help, so to speak.  You have the comfort of knowing that you're on a team and that whatever comes, you won't have to face it alone.  But you can never essentially shift the responsibility of maintaining your contentment with your life onto your partner.  Not only is that unfair, it's simply impossible for one human being to meet all of another human being's needs.

My tendency to overanalyze, my tendency to give in to worry, and my tendency to indulge the melancholy strains of my personality are all things that I still have to deal with, that I have to come to terms with in my personal relationship with God.

There are things that the most handsome, wonderful, compatible, amazing person in the world cannot fix, alleviate or satisfy.  You still have you.

The Impossible Desire to Be Understood By All

I'm laughing at the title of this post right now because it seems like the title of a 90s teen angst-filled miniseries.  It sounds ludicrous, but it's the only thing that comes to mind for now.

I have to constantly fight to repress this adolescent idea that I am utterly singular, that my experience, my position, this place in which I find myself, is utterly unique.  I really have to let that go.  Because if I don't, I will constantly contend with this existential sense of "why me?" that is pointless and emotionally draining.

Nevertheless, the idea that anyone who knows me would look at me, look at my choices, look at this place in which I find myself and "not understand" is somewhat distressing to me.

Why do I insist on expending mental energy on thinking I could satisfactorily answer other people's whys?

I did something that only social media addicted people would ever conceive of doing: I checked to see if a particular person I more or less grew up with had "liked" the announcement of my engagement or the announcement of the wedding date on FB.  Negative.  It's a person that I've always considered a friend, but maybe a person whom others always assumed I would end up with and maybe a person who tried to explore the possibility of a relationship in the past.

Can I admit that it bothered me just a little bit?  I hate that it did, but I'm just being honest.  I began to think about the negative things he was thinking.  That perhaps he just couldn't understand why I would reject the obvious, the practically inevitable (to some) and opt for the, for lack of a better term, less conventional.  That my decision was so bewildering that he couldn't bring himself to congratulate me in any way or even "like" it to at least show acknowledgement.

Why do I care?  I use this particular instance as an example, but perhaps there are other instances that fall under the same or a similar category.  Besides, my imaginings of someone else's negative thoughts are just that, imaginings that aren't based in reality and would be better off disregarded.  I really shouldn't care.  I need to get over it.  I recognize that.  I honestly do.

When the new semester starts in the fall, I'm going to have to especially woman up and be prepared for encounters.  lol.  I know I'm being vague, but suffice it to say I'm just going to have to be matter of fact and then just keep it movin.

I keep coming to the same conclusion: I'm going to have to finally learn to own my choices.  I'm going to have to learn to deal with the reality that there are some people who won't "understand."

Thank you, friend.

Since my closest friends are married, looks like I'll be featuring matrons of honor instead of maids.  Yes.  Matrons of honor.  As in plural.  When you've been the maid of honor in the weddings of both of your closest friends...I refuse to choose.  Both of them have been instrumental at different points of my life in different ways.

But I want to talk about one of those friends for a moment.  She's a God-sent friend.  All because of my mom wearing one of those poofy Pentecostal hair bows.  This friend prayed for a friend who was a believer, a friend so that she wouldn't feel alone.  She got up off of her knees and walked into the student center, and there was my mom in a skirt and the back of her head with that fateful hair bow.  When I arrived soon after my orientation session, I joined the tearful chorus.  And the rest is history.  (The last line was corny and unnecessary and cliché, but that's what I do.)

I was being all un-giddy and slightly unmotivated concerning wedding planning.  I just haven't really been into it, as I've mentioned before.  Like, I'm excited, but I'm not all...you know, wanting to go to David's Bridal and pick out bridesmaid's dresses and look at accessories and decorations and everything.  You might even say I was being cynical and negative.  Just thinking about wedding planning made me sigh with a touch of ennui. (You're welcome.)  All these fussy little details.  All these questions to be answered, decisions to be made, people to deal with.  Knowing that even though "it's my wedding," it's kind of not because I'm not paying for it and not just that, but it is kind of for everybody else.

But my God-sent friend came to visit, insisting that we go to David's Bridal.  At least to pick out a main color and look at styles of bridesmaid's dresses.  So we went, and I immediately got overwhelmed with all the choices laid before me.  All the styles, all the materials, all the possible accessories...(sigh).  But at least I decided on a color. Iris.  (You're welcome.) And eventually I did find a style that I thought was classy and versatile and could be accessorized with either a chiffon shrug or a satin bolero. (You're welcome.)

But then...my God-sent friend wanted me to try on wedding dresses.  But my wedding dress is being made.  But she insisted.  I tried to be a good sport about it, just to try to get in the spirit.  I tried on the first dress and it looked very classy and pretty and lacy and everyone oohed and ahhed and I felt like a how I imagine a princess might feel.  But then the saleslady put a veil on me.  And when I saw myself in the mirror with that dress on with a veil, I just teared up.  I'd never seen myself like that before, and I was shocked at how moved I was.  Seeing myself in a way that I'd only previously envisioned for other people was profound.  A Lacanian moment if there ever was one. (You're welcome.)  There was something about seeing myself in a wedding dress and a veil that brought the reality home in a fresh, poignant way.  I'm getting married.

I don't know how to explain it, but weddings and wedding dresses and wedding colors and flowers and venues and receptions and honeymoons were for other people.  These kinds of things weren't for me.  They weren't things I would ever realistically need to be concerned with anytime soon, or so I thought.  They were in other people's vocabularies.  They were other people's concerns.  They were a part of other people's lives.  In other people's orbits. Not mine.

It took seeing myself in a wedding dress and veil, as a bride, to realize that these things are mine.  That these things are a part of my vocabulary.  A part of my life.  A part of what is happening to me right now, not in some indeterminate future.  I have a ring on my finger and I have a date set.  What's happened and what's happening now is what is going to continue to happen: Everything falling into place.

So, thank you, friend.  Thank you for helping me to realize that this is a singular time in my life.  Thank you for taking the time out to come see me.  Thank you for making things special for me.

I Love My Fiancé

This may be the most sappy post I will ever write in my life.  But first of all, why am I so sappiness-averse anyway?  Why do I have this reluctance toward being all dreamy and swoony about being in love?  Maybe I just don't want to be annoying.  I mean, I do try to keep it real, though.  I know my man isn't perfect, and Lord knows I certainly am not.  But we're perfect for each other.

I do have this growing sense of feeling like I would get buck with a girl who tried to step to my guy, though.  And I never imagined myself as a person capable of actually getting buck.  Like, I might in my mind, or joke around saying what I would have said or what I would have done if someone had said or done whatever, but I'm feeling like I actually would let someone know that they needed to have a seat.  About a month or so ago, I had a dream that a girl with long, dark, flowing hair sidled up to my fiancé and started giving him a back massage.  And in the dream, I grabbed her hair, yanked her away from him and slammed her to the ground.  The dream was so funny, because I would never do that, but it was also kind of scary because...would I do that?

I guess, if I had to boil things down to the essence of why I love him, it's because, generally speaking, he has this pure, straightforward sense about his intentions, what he wants, why he wants it and what he has to do in order to gain it.  More specifically, I've been in past situations with guys where there was a screen of insecurity shrouding their intentions, or worse, there was a screen of ulterior motives enveloping their actions and words, or even worse, a combination of both.  What I'm trying to say is that with him, there's been this openness that's made me feel secure.  I feel like I've never had to guess.  There's a consistency about him that's comforting and reassuring.

I'm beginning to grasp the idea that my happiness, my pleasure, my comfort, my well-being, is profoundly tied to someone else's.  The idea that what he honestly wants is for me to be happy and that being assured of my happiness is what makes him happy is something amazing.

I feel like he gets that what I have to offer is unique.  What I mean is that it's one thing to be admired, but quite another to be understood.  I don't mean to say that he's a mind reader or something and "understands" every single thing about me.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that he doesn't just recognize that what I have to offer and the qualities I have or whatever you want to call them are positive, desirable things, he also understands the value in them.  A great enough value to want them to be a part of his life forever.  He sees that they're worth commitment and acceptance.

I love him because he makes me feel like all of the things about myself that I feel insecure about are okay. Beautiful, even. It's okay that I cry a lot.  It's okay that I overanalyze everything.  My hair is beautiful.  My skin is beautiful.  He sees me in a way that makes me feel like just being who I am is enough.

Then, there are the ways that we fit.  I love that we speak in Spanish to each other whenever we feel like it. I love that we play the guitar together and create songs and lyrics and harmonies together.  I love that we go to church together and are involved in ministry together and both have a desire to grow spiritually.  I love that we're both well-traveled and love exploring new places.  I love that we love simple things: picnics, farmers markets, walks in the park, Spanish lattes by the window.  I love that one of our favorite things to do is to watch Chopped and laugh.

And, of course, there are those little things about him.  His dimpled smile, his freckles, his long eyelashes, the sound of his voice.  His glasses, plaid shirts, clean-smelling cologne.  The way he throws his head back and squeezes his eyes shut for a few seconds when something really makes him laugh.

Finally, I love the way he loves me.  Tenderly.  He kisses my hand and my forehead and tells me that he loves me, that I'm beautiful, that he's so lucky, so blessed to have me.

I still can't believe I'm getting married.  The idea is taking some getting used to.  But I can say that I value so deeply what my fiancé and I have.  We have so much to look forward to.

Hazy, Dazy, and Utterly Unmotivated

Yeah, so I have ALL of this stuff to do, but I'm spacing out.  When I can least afford to.

1. After my summer class cancellation debacle, I (finally) have a job as a "Sellebrity" at Old Navy. It'll do.  I get a 25% discount.  But flip-flop day (this coming Saturday) is going to be off the chain.  $1.00 flip-flops.  And people go bananas.

2. I signed an agreement for my article to appear in a collection coming out soon!  I'll probably still have to do a bunch of revisions, and even then, it could still get cut, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

3. I'm supposed to be writing a book review and have barely read the first chapter yet.  Ugh.  Jesus be a motivator.

4. I'm also supposed to be writing a DISSERTATION, people.  How many chapters have I even begun to write yet?  How many outlines have I lifted a finger to compose and send to my adviser?  Ugh.

5. So, there's a wedding that's supposed to be happening.  On May 16, 2015.  My fiancé is super on top of planning.  He created a Google Docs folder for us to have a guest list, a budget calculator, a place to keep lists of venues we're investigating, helpful links we've consulted, etc.  He's done most of the legwork of calling and emailing regarding venues, etc.  I'm so glad he's a planner.  I'm a planner, too.  Sometimes.  What I like about him is that he's a consistent worker.  If he has a deadline looming, he does a steady amount of work before the deadline, minimizing last-minute stress.  What do I do?  When I have a deadline looming, I procrastinate and do minimal work ahead of time, waiting for a last-minute burst of productivity to kick in and bring me across the finish line right before the deadline hits.  Guess which way of getting stuff done is more conducive to wedding planning?  Sigh.  I will admit, though, I did create a profile on The Knot and have our little website in the works. (Which also has a checklist and other things as a part of the profile.)

I don't know why I'm not feeling giddy about wedding planning.  I felt giddy when I got that ring on my finger, but I haven't been like, swooning over bridesmaid's dresses and flowers and whatever else brides-to-be ravish and rave over when planning their weddings.  I have an awesome wedding dress story, so I'm glad that's pretty much already taken care of.  We want it to be outside, the colors will definitely involve lavender, sunflowers will be prominently featured, and this song will serve as the recessional.  Other than those details, I'm not super obsessing over stuff.  I honestly wouldn't be heartbroken at all if we just went to a justice of the peace and called it a day.  But lots of people who love me would kill me if I did that, and my fiancé isn't keen on doing that, either.  So...ceremony it will be.  I just get nervous about being on display.  Let's be real, if a wedding is anything, it's the bride on display.

What I haven't decided upon yet is whether I'm going to put one of those dorky countdowns on my blog.  I probably will.  I'm a cynic with a soft spot for dorky, cheesy things like wedding countdowns.

Can I admit something, though?  I am kind of excited about changing my plain jane last name.  My current last name is the most common last name in the United States. My fiancé's last name is definitely unique and kind of awesome.  As a student of literature, I'm kind of nerding out about the prospect of my last name being a poetic form.  (And, no, it's not "haiku" or "sonnet."  Although that would be awesome, too.)

6. Should I indulge my housewife fantasies and register with Williams-Sonoma? Every time I go into that store, I start having visions of being this perfect housewife who makes cooking show-quality dinners every night.

7. We already have a name for our first child.  It's going to be a girl, and we talk about her as if she already exists.  Like, I've already informed my fiancé that she will not be drinking any Kool-Aid or be allowed to eat horrible sugar-packed cereal like Cap'n Crunch.

8. I wish I could get paid for being a procrastinator.  It's what I do best.

My Proposal Poem or The Home Folks

So, this weekend, I finally brought my guy to meet the home folks.

You know who the home folks are.  Those church/family folks.  Those people who watched you grow up and whose kids you watched grow up.  Those people who love you like their own and want to be in the know.  The people who comfort and annoy you.  Who laugh when you laugh, cry when you cry, and threaten to "come after" your significant other if he doesn't treat you right.

He held up quite all right.  Even wore his graduation gift tie on Sunday and made his future mother-in-law smile from ear to ear.  He passed the best friend test with flying colors over dinner.  He fell in love with the park I've loved for years.  He's the last boy I'll ever bring there, that's for sure.

Here's the poem he wrote for me and recited for me when he proposed.  He later sent it to me, and I like to read over it, hearing his voice in my mind as I do:

Every morning when I count my blessings, I thank God that I can add you to the list
I thank God for His perfect plan to bring us together, for His perfect knowledge to know that we belong
together. I can’t wait to share my life with you
You have brought so much joy and happiness and purpose into my life, it’s hard to explain

It’s hard to explain how you fit, how you fit into all my days, how you fit
into my life how your heart sings perfect harmonies with mine, how we think the same thoughts at the exact same time
How we smile and laugh together, how I kiss your hand, sometimes it’s the simplest things
That give me the most gratitude, that give me the most joy
Everything that we share together, I cherish
I look forward to walking with you throughout this life, through our ups and downs I will be with you
To know that you’re not alone to know that I’m not alone, what a wonderful feeling
What a feeling of peace
I have never felt this free
Chantell Irene Smith,
Will you marry me?

First Things First

So it's been a minute since I've blogged last.  Well, not that long.  A little over a week, I guess.  But it seems like so much has happened since I'd blogged last, and indeed, it has.

First things first: I'm engaged!

Yezzir.  Pretty soon I'm going to have to change my blog's little tagline from "Single girl meets postmodern world" to...something else.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Anyway, I'm further learning the ropes of "the questions."  There are questions that are standard (and often annoying) at every point in life from well-meaning (or not) people:

1. Graduate from high school: Where are you going to college?  What are you going to major in?
2. Declare a major: What do you plan to do with a _____ degree?
3. Graduate from college: Do you have a job?
4. Start a PhD program: How long is that going to take? What do you plan to do with a PhD?
5. Be single: Do you have a boyfriend?
6. Get a boyfriend: When are you getting engaged?
7. Get engaged: How did he propose?  Have you set a date yet?

So that's where I am on this questions list.  I heard that once the marriage actually happens, the question will become When are you having a baby?  And after you have a baby, it becomes Are you planning to have any more?  But again, we'll totally cross that bridge when we get there.

For now, I will answer one of the "get engaged" questions which is "How did he propose?" Ahem.  My fiancé (omg, I still can't believe I'm even using that word!) thinks I start too early in the story, as in, I give too many unnecessary background details, starting with "My parents left around 11:30" (which I concede is wholly irrelevant to describing what he did to propose).  He's like, "Just start with being in the garden."  LOL.  I know I always give a long preamble or exposition or what have you, but that's just how it's going to be.  This ain't his blog.  Shoot.

So, my parents had come to visit for the weekend.  Fiancé had already met my mom (and little bro) but not dun, dun, DUN....my dad.  So, parents arrive Thursday.  Dad gets...fatherly.  Fiancé takes it like a G.  He asks to speak to my father outside.  (I know, this is like an interracial Jane Austen novel or something) and as I later find out, he asks for my father's "blessing."  My father heartily consents and they have an emotional bro moment.  Friday is full of fun and Saturday, after we eat breakfast at the best breakfast place ever, my parents left around 11:30.  We see them off.  He goes back to his place.  Later he suggests we get together to play the guitar in the garden.  I agree.  There's a garden we both love on campus that's near our department where we go to have picnics and play the guitar and stuff.  He later comes to pick me up and he brings me a beautiful bouquet of sunflowers, so I'm super happy and pumped.  We arrive at the garden, go to our special spot.  Play a few songs as usual, and then he asks if I want to hear a song he wrote for me.  (This is the 2nd love song he's written for me...actually the 3rd he's written about our relationship.)  He plays and sings it and it's absolutely beautiful.  Then he tells me that he wrote a poem for me when I was in Boston and asks if I want to hear it.  Of course I do!  He even has music to accompany it.  So, he turns on the little music he has on his iPhone, gets up, and begins reciting this AMAZING poem.  I start tearing up a little bit because it's so profound and beautiful.  Then he gets to the end.  The last two lines are, "I have never felt this free / Chantell Irene Smith, will you marry me?" And before I know it, he's on one knee with a ring out.

I completely lose it.  I say "yes" and burst into tears, crying quite audibly and just overwhelmingly laugh/crying because I don't know what to do with myself.  I mean, I knew he was going to ask, especially after meeting my father and getting his approval, but I didn't know it was going to be that soon afterward!  The first thing we did was call our family and close friends to tell them.  Afterward, we had a lovely candlelit dinner outside.  It was perfect.

Later, we got the ring re-sized, and just out of curiosity, I asked him how long he had had the ring before proposing.  He told me he had held on to that thing without giving away one clue for a month and a half!  Dude was sitting on the ring that entire time! He was just waiting for the right time. I thought back on my behavior over the last month and a half and I joked with him asking if he had ever felt like taking the ring back.  He said absolutely not.  And I am glad of that.

C'est la vie.

La vie.  It happens.  Yup, it sho does.

So, I get back from Boston on Saturday, have a sappy movie-quality reunion with my boyfriend at the airport, (you know the kind, first it shows the guy waiting expectantly, then it cuts to the girl who has a dreamy smile on her face riding up the escalator, then it cuts back to the guy who is searching faces in the rush of people getting off the escalator and then he breaks into a smile when he spots her, and then it cuts to them rushing into each others' arms), all giddy with my Harvard t-shirt on and everything.  Go to THE BEST vegetarian restaurant in this world, then settle down to watch a foreign film, but I check my email first.  And this is where la vie comes in:

Hi everyone,
Regretfully, it appears as though I am going to have to cancel the following summer courses to which you have been assigned, due to insufficient enrollments:
FREN 3030 (52705)
ITAL 2001 (12703)
SPAN 1001 (52817)
SPAN 1002 (12815)
SPAN 2002 (22824)
Unless something miraculous happens with enrollments over the weekend, I will cancel these classes at noon on Monday.
I truly am sorry,
The Department Head

Whaaaaaatttttt?? That SPAN 1001?  Yeah, that was me. And canceled summer class = cancelled summer $$.

So, basically, you tell me Saturday that my class that was supposed to start the following Thursday is going to be canceled on Monday.  Craptastic.

So what does that mean?  That I'm going to have to find a summer job in JUNE (talk about awkward timing), that I'm probably going to have to take out more loans (ugh, shoot me), and that my little happy summer dream of being able to save up a little dough has been ruthlessly dashed.

I let a couple of gangsta tears slip out.  I did.  I ain't gonna lie.

But it's all good in the hood.  I am currently on an apply-for-anything-that-moves job search, and I'm going to take this interim to be productive with other projects.  A book review and *coughwritingmydissertationcough* for starters.

Sigh.  The most apropos cliche for this situation would be "You never know, God might have something better." And like other cliches that have been oft applied to my life (i.e. "It happens when you're not looking"), sometimes they hold true.  You really never know.

Heart's Desire or The Defeat of the Inner Snarker

Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

—Psalm 37:4

To a single church girl, this verse often means one thing: Just keep on keepin’ on, and the Lord will give you a man.  Keep comin’ to church.  Keep yo’ head up, don’t worry ‘bout what other folk say.  It’s gonna happen.  In Gawd’s time, it’s gonna happen, honey.

I admit it.  I’m a cynic.  But I want people to keep thinking I’m sweet and not actually consistently fighting to repress my inner snarker.  I’m still sweet, though, for real.

Anyway, you know it’s true.  Up there at the altar during altar call, prayerfully minding your own business when it happens.  Those well-meaning hands placed upon your shoulders.  That well-meaning prayer: “Yes, Lord.  She’s been faithful to you, Lord.  Give her the desires of her heart, God.  Bring her that mate you have prepared for her, Father.”  Sigh.  Thanks.  But, really?  But, no, seriously, thanks.

Why does everything have to revolve around getting a man?  Ugh.  Once God drops that perfect man in my path, presto change-o!  Redemption, validation and happily ever after!  Then I’d be able to ride off on my husbanded way into the blissful sunset.  Boo and barf and so not true.

But let’s keep it 100%.  What the inner snarker tries to act like she doesn’t remember is that one of the desires of my heart really was to get a man.  Inner snarker trying to act like she didn’t really want a companion.  To love and be loved.  To have someone to experience life with, to raise a family with, to grow old with.  Inner snarker in denial. 

To be fair, though, I didn’t really want to “get a man.”  Nawl.  I wanted to be involved in doing my little thing, amassing experience, getting my education, creating my own fulfilling world, and in the process (while I wasn’t looking, ‘cuz that’s when they say it happens) happen upon this uber-compatible dude.  I avoided singles conferences like the plague.  Swore off even the idea of online anything until I was facing the prospect of my first cat acquisition.

But I eased through my twenties without any serious prospects.  I sailed through the seas of (younger) youth without getting snatched up (since that was supposed to have happened at some point—everyone asked why someone hadn’t come along and done that yet.  Like I was supposed to know.  Aside from the fact that "getting snatched up"  did not seem at all ideal).  The dawn of old maidhood (in church culture) was upon me, and I had yet to snag one.  30 was supposed to be the death knell.  And here I was, 30+, still somehow able to breathe.  Manless.

I mean, what was I supposed to do?  Create a profile on apostolicsingles.net?  Buy a cat?  (Disclaimer: I have nothing against online dating or cat ownership.  Meeting people online has, for the most part, lost its stigma, and I've known several people who it totally worked for.  And cats, I'm sure, are amazing pets.) I had overcome so much to even start this doctoral program.  I was finally on an even keel.  Sure, I was lonely sometimes, but I was doing all right.  And I had even gone to a couple of singles conferences without imploding into a mass of sarcastic goo.  I learned a few new things here and there, one of them being the acoustic guitar.  I was doing all right.  I had even made it through the searing disappointment of moving on from a relationship that was almost just right.  I was doing all right.

You wouldn’t believe it, but I wasn’t looking.  It started with a platonic cup of coffee.  It continued with playing the acoustic guitar, one of those things I had picked up while I was doing my own thing.  It continued right on into the doors of the church, that place where those well-meaning words were annoyingly prayed over me while I was prayerfully minding my own business.

Before one of our pre-relationship guitar jamming sessions, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted to play first.  He smiled a shy smile and said, “Whatever your heart desires.”  A spark of recognition, a surge of adrenaline.  Did he just say…? He had no idea.

Boston, et. al.

I'm nearing the end of the first week of my two-week stint as a research assistant at Harvard.  So far, so good, even though I haven't gotten as much done as I anticipated at this point.  I guess I haven't been totally unproductive.  I (finally!) submitted my article on Juan Latino, I toured the African and African-American Studies Institute, I've learned my way around, I've gotten some good ideas (more like little changes/additions) to my project that are really going to help me streamline it,  I've gotten a few books related to my project (hopefully ones that I'll get signed while I'm here!).  No, it hasn't been completely unproductive.

But ugh.  I know this sounds sappy or whatever you want to call it, but I miss my boyfriend in a terrible way right now.  It's not like I've never been away from him before, but this is kind of the worst right now.  I'm sort of distracted, unfocused, sensitive and unmotivated right now.  Skype is great, but still, ugh.  I would not do well in a long-distance relationship. Sigh.  I'll make it. It's also rainy and gloomy today and I just can't muster up the motivation to leave the house.  Hopefully, the weather will clear up tomorrow.

I feel like I have to put this out there for the record.  Okay, on Facebook and other venues, people post/share videos of elaborate, cute little wedding proposals.  And overall, I think it's cute.  Okay, you took time and effort to plan, do a little homemade movie or flash mob or video montage or elaborate set up or whatever to surprise your fiancee.  I mean, that's nice.  I commend you.  But I don't want my marriage proposal to be a youTube-ready event, packaged in such a way to elicit reactions on how clever my fiance is and set up to capture my surprised, tearful reaction.  I don't want to share that moment with the world, and I don't want to the world to have access to it.  Can I say that?  I want it to be what I feel it is meant to be, a private moment between two people who have decided to commit to each other in such a way that they will eventually spend the rest of their lives together. To me, it's such a precious, personal thing, and I don't want the world to have the ability to get all up in it.

Here's something I'm learning.  I'm as old as I am and I'm still learning it: Be comfortable with my choices.  The church I go to and find fulfillment in.  The career path I've chosen.  My lifestyle choices.  Why should I apologize for being who I am?  Not everyone is going to agree with my beliefs, be they spiritually related or politically related or academically related, be they ultra-conservative or ultra-liberal...and that's OK.  Not everyone is going to understand the way I live my life, what I wear and don't wear, where I go and don't go, what I do and what I don't do...and that's OK.  I cannot operate in a people-pleasing mode.  I just can't.  It's frustrating and exhausting and just unnecessary.  I'm still learning to own who I am and be okay with who I am and be secure in my identity in Christ regardless of what I fear other people may think.  I need to take a deep breath and realize that's just how it has to be.  And I believe that in the end, people will respect me for owning who I am and owning the choices I make.

Be Happy

When I listen to this song, I just have to get up and dance:



The best part is the bridge: Can't nothin bring me down,/ can't nothin bring me down...

I'm trying to just be happy.  It's kind of hard to do.  Not worry about things not being completely figured out, just totally resting in God and enjoying the now.

I really need to be working on this article.  In a bad way.  But first I have to gush about all of this stuff.

I talked to my professor today about my trip to Boston. I was totally nerding out. She started name dropping like mad, telling me all of the scholars and writers that she was going to introduce me to...oh, my God.  I could not contain my nerdish glee.  I have to buy a couple of books so I can get stuff signed!  I'm really big on getting books signed.  I'm going to be in nerd heaven for two whole weeks.  I cannot wait.

I am totally enamored.  Can I admit that?  I love the sound of his voice and the way he says stuff with his Western Pennslyvanian accent.  "Are you cool'd?"  (How it sounds to me if he's asking if I'm cold.)  "I have to go to my office to get this foolder."  I love how he adjusts his glasses.  I love his dimple.  I love how long his eyelashes are.  I love the determined look on his face when he's bent over his laptop doing work (and when I'm not, obviously, if I'm observing him).  I get to prayer on time on Wednesday nights now because of him.  I know who Sufjan Stevens is because of him.  We speak in Spanish to each other and directly translate things and laugh about it.  Every day I hear that I'm beautiful.  Every day I hear that I'm loved.  I love that he loves things that I love.  Like picnics.  Like playing the guitar.  Like Nutella.  Like cream soda.  Like a large one topping pizza from Papa John's on Tuesdays for only $4.99 topped with amazing slightly spicy peppers canned by his mom. I got a tambourine because of him.  I can be weird and nerdy and indecisive and hyper and my hair can look terrible and he doesn't care.  He says that I'm the best and that he's the luckiest.

I got my official letter in the mail from the Graduate School telling me that I've been officially admitted to candidacy!  It's totally up on my fridge right now.

I need to do work.  But I don't want to.  But I have to.  But I want to go to sleep and wrap myself up in my blanket and eat slice after slice of my pound cake.  Of course I gave some to my bespectacled, freckled, dimpled guy, but not a lot.  I refuse to be held responsible for letting my man blow up.  Naw, son.  Not gonna let it happen.

My Love for Terrible, Corny Things

That's part of what I just texted my boyfriend after I sent him a link to a stupid Natasha Bedingfield video.  I'm too ashamed to post it here or even reveal what the name of the song is.  It's so corny and awful, but I love it.  I love terrible, corny things.  Like Scandal.  Like the 90s Sabrina with Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond that doesn't have any black people in it.  Like Christian rock.

I've had a few days full of traveling, meeting my boyfriend's family and then meeting more of his family on his graduation day, and now impulsively deciding to surprise my own mother on Mother's Day.  When I entered the house (I have a key), she thought I was an intruder and she went from muttering a determined, "In the name of Jesus" as she marched into the foyer to her voice raising eight octaves saying, "Chantell! What are you doing here?" and jumping up in down in motherly delight.

We (me & bf) had a little disagreement (that we ironed out).  How you gonna spend all this time with my family, then up and say deuces to see yo family without me? We been together more than six months now and I still ain't met yo daddy yet? (My fake rendering of him if he spoke Ebonics.)

Thou shalt meet mine father.  Let not your heart be troubled.  We shall arrange an appointed time, perchance, the first weekend of June, once mine father hath completed his schoolmastering duties.  (My fake rendering of myself if I spoke King James English.)

After speaking with missionaries to France my home church hosted today, I learned that my French officially sucks.  They said it was better than comme si comme ça, but I know better.  And they say the DELF B2 certification, once achieved, lasts forever.  C'est pas vrai.

So, after this little surprise drop-in, I have a week of expanding a 10 page article to a 20 page article to look forward to, then I zoom off to Boston for a couple of weeks.  Then I zoom back and do some more work.  And some more work.  And it never ends.  But I ain't complaining, doe.

Exams. Summer.

Just because I don't have to take exams anymore doesn't mean I don't still have to grade them.

Sigh.  I'm in the middle one one now.  Latino Literature and Culture.  The sounds of exam taking silence.  The calm before the grading storm.

The next few days are going to be a grading marathon.  I'm giving one exam today, one exam Friday, and then we have to have everything graded so that we can leave early Saturday for a long road trip to visit the boyfriend's family.  I'm excited but also a little nervous.  (What if we get into an argument on the road?  What will his family think of me?  What if I feel awkward?  What if I mess up when we're singing and playing at his brother's church?)

I've got a lot happening, a lot on my plate, a lot of work to do, but a lot to be thankful for:

1. I found out that I won a $1000 departmental award.
2. I was notified that the organizers of a conference at which I presented a paper last month are interested in including it in an edited volume.  This is ridiculously fabulous news in a field where publishing something is just about necessary to get a job; however, I need to edit it and expand it in a serious way.  And that's going to take a lot of work.
3. I'm going to Boston the last two weeks in May to be my professor's research assistant at Harvard and hopefully be able to take advantage of the libraries, etc. to do some of my own research for my dissertation.
4. I'm teaching a Spanish summer course all June and July.
5. I'm teaching a GRE test prep course all July.  (I didn't really want to, but I could definitely use the money.)

In the midst of all of that there are going to be visits with friends and more family meetings...Mom and little bro is one thing, but Dad and middle bro is quite another.  At least in my mind.

Anyway, I'm not complaining.  And I can't worry.  God has helped me keep it together thus far.  I have to trust that He will continue to do the same.

Officially Unmotivated

So, I'm ABD.  All But Dissertation.  It's official.  I will get a letter in the mail very soon that confirms I'm a PhD candidate. Yup.  I handed all the paperwork in to the Graduate School today.

(Sigh.)  Now the real work begins.

I've already had a meeting with my adviser about dissertation chapters and outlines and deadlines.  I have serious work to do.  I also have papers to grade and will soon have a boatload of finals to grade.  Ugh.

I don't feel like doing anything.  Ever since my prospectus defense, my motivation to do anything worthwhile has plummeted to zero.  All I want to do is sleep, eat big breakfasts and Nutella-slathered everything, watch The Mentalist and read Adichie novels on my Kindle.  All I want to do is have picnics and play guitar with my guy.

This is the one time a year I get sick, and not really, it's just kind of a gross head cold where I'm sniffling and congested.  Nothing major.  I just hate not being able to breathe out of my nose when I'm trying to go to sleep.  It was so cute when the boyfriend presented me with an unsolicited box of nasal decongestant tablets.  Aww, how romantic.

I love pleasant surprises.  Like checking my email and finding that I won a $1000 scholarship.  I ain't complaining.

I just don't want to do anything.  All I want to do is nothing.

The age-old question: How did I get so far with such reluctance to get things done?

Navigation. Balance.

So, this week is a big week.

I defend my prospectus on Thursday.  (The boyfriend defends his Master's thesis on Friday.)  What that means is that after April 17, if all goes well, I will be a PhD Candidate.  I will be ABD.  What that means is that I'm done with all classes, all preliminary exams, all of everything except for writing the bane of every academic's existence: The dissertation.  The best dissertation is a finished dissertation, they tell me.  I'll keep that in mind.

After weeks having work work work hanging over me, after submitting my prospectus revision last week, things have sort of slowed down.  I know the real work is definitely in store, so I should enjoy this mini-breather while I can.  There's not too much I need to do to prepare for my defense...talk about the inspiration for my project, explain why I chose the texts I chose, mention my research questions...the rest is just discussion, according to my adviser.

Just as things are progressing with me in the program, things are progressing with the boyfriend.  We're starting to meet each others' families and we're starting to talk about our future together.  While this is all very exciting, it's also very bewildering.

This is still so new to me...just the idea of what it would mean.  What I mean is, not just what "a future" would mean, but how it would affect (and is affecting) my present relationships with my friends and family who have been around long before the boyfriend ever entered the picture.

It's just kind of unsettling, like, I'm walking on this unsteady terrain, and when I take a step, little waves ripple throughout it and I have to stand there for a minute to regain my balance.  But just when I think I've steadied myself and take another step, the waves start rippling again and I have to once again regain a sense of equilibrium.

It's hard to explain.  I'm so happy and so grateful for what God has done and for what He is continuing to do.  I trust Him.  But I also find myself getting overwhelmed and wrapped up in the sheer wonder of what it's like to love and be loved.  So much so that at times I've neglected others.  I find myself projecting so far into the future that I've invented unnecessary points of contention based on the purely hypothetical.

What I'm learning is that once one set of questions are answered, new ones inevitably arise.  I will never have a permanent answer.

I need to figure out how to navigate my other relationships in this new reality.  I need to learn how to better balance my time with the various time-consumers in the mix.

Submitted

So, I just sent in my prospectus to my adviser.

What do I do with myself?  My brain is laughing at me because it knows that I'm not really "done."  There are possible revisions, and there's the defense April 17.

There's something in me that won't let me just dive headlong into chill mode.  Not yet.

Besides, I'm leaving to go to a conference tomorrow.  I guess I should do things that people do before they go on trips.  Like clean up.  Like pack.  Like put copies of the chapter quiz and the class roll in the box of the colleague who's covering for me tomorrow.  Like, print out and revise my paper since the panel moderator has promised to "ruthlessly enforce" an 8-10 minute time limit to present.  Who does that?  All the conferences I've attended have had a 15-minute standard.  But whatever.  I just pray no one asks me any bewildering questions.  I have been bewildered by post-presentation questions in my day with devastatingly awkward repercussions.  It's all under the blood now. ThankyaJesus.

The boyfriend left yesterday to go to a conference as well.  I guess the Lord knew I needed two boyfriend-free days to give my undivided attention to finishing my prospectus.  Well, praise God.

A melange of things have transpired since I've last posted, the most significant of those being that I celebrated my Magic Johnson birthday this past Sunday.  And I must say, it was quite a delightful birthday.  My mom and little bro came up to visit, met the boyfriend, I bought myself the best cake ever and had an impromptu motley crew of friends over to help me eat it.  I was so happy.  I was so grateful.  I am so grateful.

God has been so good to me.  I've had a lot of work to do and I've been a little stressed, but I've also been basking in positivity and productivity.  I don't take it for granted.

A Love Song

So, Spring Break is over, I'm back, it's time to hit the grind again.

Sigh.

I am so not ready.  Jesus be a motivator.

This is what I really wanted to write about, though:  Over the break, my guy got inspired and creative and wrote a gorgeous song for me and about me.  He played and sang it for me tonight.  I was just overwhelmed and impressed and flattered and grateful.  It was beautiful.  It was perfect.  It brought me to tears.

Sometimes I can't fathom being loved this way.  Sometimes it's unbelievable and hard to accept.  At times, my inner cynic insists on waving away notions of "meant to be."  But what if it truly is?

Can I admit that there is a tiny sliver of me that is terrified?

I want to silence the myriad questions and what ifs that occasionally cloud my daydreams.

Thankfully, I always return to the same fact that I have both doubted and believed: God is in control.

Pop-Up Blockers

Google Chrome is my boy.  The address bar also functions as a Google search engine, you can set it to block cookies and pop-ups.

But what I'd like to do is enable pop-up blockers in my life.  You know what I mean?  What I'm talking about are guys formerly in your orbit who are now largely inattentive, but who suddenly pop up out of nowhere. Dude, where you come from?

There's a nice sofa over in the corner and I'd like to cordially invite you to have a seat.  Have several seats.  Saddown.  SEET down.  I'd just like to say nawl, son.  Nawl.

That is all.

Next Stop: Prospectus

This is the last post about comps.  The absolute last post about comps ever.  In life.

I completed my oral defense of my comprehensive exams Thursday and I passed.  Comps has been, effectively and forever, put to bed.

I am so thankful.  It's another milestone that I am glad is finally behind me.

Now, what I have to look forward to is writing what is lovingly called a prospectus.  The prospectus is basically the outline of my dissertation.  It will end up being the introduction to my finished project.

If I do everything I'm supposed to do on schedule, I'll be ABD by the end of the semester.  April 3, I submit my prospectus.  April 17, I defend it.  And once I successfully do so, then and only then will I be known as a PhD candidate.  All I'll have left to do is write the monster.  And once I get a couple of chapters under my belt, I can start applying for jobs.  Scary stuff.  But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I'm currently on Spring Break, which is only sort of a break...there's always more work to do.  But I'm trying to enjoy time with my family while I try to get a good start on prospectus writing/research.

There are so many things I'm excited about.  I'm realizing I can't be afraid to be excited about them.

Things are going swimmingly with, well, let's call him what he is, the boyfriend.  Before I left to go home Saturday he gave me a pretty legit box of chocolates and said, "This is for your parents.  Tell them I can't wait to meet them." (Insert girlish squeals of delight.)

I'm also getting paid beaucoup money to be my professor's research assistant in Boston in May.  I ain't complaining.  For the first time in a while, I'll be able to put some money in the bank.  Yezzir.

I also got a teaching assignment for the rest of the summer, so I'm set.  Super excited.

I'm so grateful.  I really am.  That's all I can say.  I'm so very grateful.

That Girl

I was going to write a more detailed post, but I'm afraid of being that girl.

You know who that girl is.

She's giggly and she talks all day long about some guy she's with and she posts stuff about him on Facebook and she's all wrapped up in him and how he's the best and the sweetest and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm not that girl.  I am SO not that girl.

But seriously though, yesterday you don't know how badly I wanted some Chick-fil-a.  I woke up with a chicken biscuit on the brain.  But I didn't want to drive out and get it, then come back to my apartment, then catch the bus to campus (since I can't park on campus) . . . that would be a waste of time.  I was just going to catch the bus, go to campus and maybe get something to eat close to where I needed to get to work.  I was about to leave out, but then I get a text saying, I kid you not, "Hey, I'm on my way to Chick-fil-a for breakfast.  Would you like anything?"

You are kidding me.  I texted back, "GASP!  That is exactly what I wanted!"

I know it's ridiculous, but is it okay if I believe it was the Lord giving me the desire of my chicken-biscuit-loving heart?  And is it okay if I draw any parallels with the person who, unbeknownst to him, asked me if I wanted exactly what I wanted?

Several months ago, when we were mere guitar playing buddies, we were about to practice and I asked what he wanted to play first.   He responded, "Whatever your heart desires."  

John 3:7

Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again.

I really need to get ready for my office hour (to which I'm perpetually late), but I'm still feeling overwhelmed from yesterday.

God has done something that only God can do.  I am amazed.  I am humbled.  It's too good to be true.  But it's still true.

Part of me doesn't want to write about this in such a public space because it is about a personal spiritual experience that is not mine.

But suffice it to say this: God brought someone into my life.  And I was 100% not in control of the timing of anything.  And it scared me to death.  I hate not being in control.  It makes me nervous and it drives me crazy and it makes me want to do stupid things in vain in order to try to regain control that I never had in the first place and I just can't stand it.  But yesterday God said the same thing that He has always said to me, and that is, I got this.

Suffice it to say that yesterday, someone who has become very close to me was completely born again when he made the decision to be water baptized after he had already experienced Spirit baptism.

This is just the beginning of the journey for him.  I am still on a journey myself.  There are no guarantees.  None other than that God is in control.

God has built my faith and reassured me that it's going to be okay.  He's reminded me that I have no choice but to keep trusting Him and letting my light shine.

Post-Valentine's Day Post

So, as usual, I'm supposed to be doing something productive but blogging instead.

I'm 31, but yesterday was the first time I've been in a relationship on Valentine's Day.

That is not to say that family members haven't done nice things for me on that day.  (Last year, middle bro had balloons, a stuffed animal and a dozen chocolate covered strawberries delivered to me.  Middle bro got major points that day.)  That is not to say that admirers haven't done nice things for me on that day.  (I was extremely flattered and grateful, but the feeling wasn't mutual.)  I am extremely thankful for friends and family who have shown me love on a day where love is celebrated.  And I guess I'm glad to say that I've always been a Valentine's Day person even though I never had a Valentine on that day.  I always got dressed up in red, brought cupcakes, gave out chocolates and made little deliveries to make other people feel special, because I like stuff like that.  Call me a hopeless romantic.

But this year was very sweet and special. There were roses and chocolates and cards involved.  But that wasn't why it was sweet and special.  It was because I realized that even though "I'm 31 and this is the first time I've been in a relationship on Valentine's Day" it doesn't matter.  Because why would I have wanted to have a variety of people that I could number off throughout the years as having been in a relationship with?  Ideally, there should be only one person.  Frankly, I only need one Valentine.  And if not having one all of the other years simply means that I had to wait for the one that is the One, then what is there to regret?

I didn't post pictures on Facebook gushing over anything.  I have this sense of wanting to preserve and protect the relationship, not flaunt it.  People who know me and love me already know.  People who don't know me/have a close relationship with me don't need to know.

I still don't know how everything is going to turn out.  I am definitely not saying this one is the One.  I don't even truly believe in the whole idea of the One, as I've iterated many times.  There are still plenty of possible complications, and I can't forget about that.  But I trust God.  That's all I can say.  And if there truly is a good thing in all of this, He won't withhold it from me.

A Day in Numbered Points

1. Got to my office hour a few minutes late.  But it was okay since I usually stay longer than an hour and no one ever comes anyway, and plus I saw a sweet Brazilian friend on the bus and got to practice my Portuguese a little.  Eu preciso practicar.

2. Got to my office and found that someone (not in our office) had sent a sizable print job to our printer multiple times, blowing up the printer cache and expending exorbitant amounts of toner and paper.  The catch?  One does not just cancel a print job.  Only the person who creates it can cancel it. I just wanna print out my lesson plan, by golly!  Had to send a helpdesk request to our resident smart aleck tech.

3. On my way to print stuff out at another printer I ran into the one I'm never prepared to see.  No way of escape.  Small talk, slightly awkward insertions (and I care about what you and your girlfriend are doing over Spring Break because...) and implications of my being able to "catch up" with him over a cup of coffee because comps are over now.  Nawl, son.  You shall receive no examples of my work, and you shall enjoy no one-on-one coffee chats with me.

4. Day improves, I start getting my little organizational ducks in a row.  Give two make up quizzes.  Post a couple of helpful items on eLC from my flash drive.  I removed it, put in in my purse, then remembered something.  I pulled it back out and reinserted it.  Oh, let me...wait.  Why isn't my office computer recognizing my flash drive?  I just used it a second ago.  That's odd.  I tried my laptop.  My laptop wouldn't recognize it either. I brought it to (another) tech guy to take a look at it.  To no avail. In an instant, my flash drive decided it was a wrap.  Oh, nooooooooo!  I'm up a creek.  Thankfully, I shared files with mi amigo since he's teaching the same class this semester and he was able to dropbox some stuff back to me.  But ugh.  Lesson of all lessons: Back yo' stuff up.

5. So I head over to the rec center for an elliptical workout with mi amigo.  And would you believe I had another one-I'm-never-prepared-to-see sighting?  Argh!  I just pretended I didn't see him.  Mi amigo was none the wiser.  How dare you be at the gym while I'm there?  I cannot have you encroaching upon my lifespace.  I cannot have it.

6.  Got an email that the University is shut down tomorrow.  And if it's shut down tomorrow, it'll definitely be shut down Wednesday.  Thin layers of snow and ice shut things down in these parts.  I'm sure my students are singing Hallelujah to the Lamb.

Three Down, None to Go

Well, hello.

I feel like I can breathe again.  I turned in my take home yesterday morning, officially ending the written part of comps.  This is the song I dedicate to comps:



Since comps has been gooooone...I can breathe for the first tiiiime!

There's still lots of work to do...a month from now, there's an oral defense.  And then I have to submit my prospectus.  And then I have to defend it...like I said, there's still lots of work to do.  But I feel like a weight has been lifted.  I've met a major milestone, and it's kind of amazing.

I'm so thankful.  All of this time, just fretting about comps, wondering how I was going to ever get through it, and now, here I am.  (Just about) on the other side.

Upcoming:

1. A bilingual reading with an Argentine writer.  Guess who's reading the English version?

2. A Valentine's Day in a situation of mutual like.  For the first time.  And I'm wearing my frilly red dress.  Guess what his favorite color is?

3. A post-Valentine's Day departmental talent show.  Guess who's playing the guitar?

This is the first weekend in a long time that I'm spending without doing one drop of work.  Sigh.  Enjoying it while I can!

I can't believe

1. how fast this program has gone so far.  I remember when I moved here.  I remember my first day of class when I had no idea what I was doing.  Now, here I am, 3/4ths done with this thing.

2. how non-stressful comps has been so far.  Anytime I mention to one of my colleagues that I'm in the midst of comps, they gasp as if I should be wholly incapacitated or something.  But it's gone rather smoothly and non-dramatically.  I am so not complaining.

3. how well things are going despite the possible complications of this relationship.  It's humbling and amazing to see God work in the life of someone who is truly seeking after Him.  I kept questioning myself.  I still do.  But I guess I'm more sure now that God really is in control.

Two Down, One to Go

So, I took my second in-house comp exam today.  Period: Contemporary.  Same drill as last time.  Made an outline, wrote for four hours (time flies when you're typing), done.

The last stage in this process is my take-home.  My major professor is giving me a few days to breathe, so she's waiting to give me my questions on Friday.  On Friday, we will meet, she will give me my questions, and then I'll have two weeks to write 15-20 pages answering both questions.

If it sounds like a lot, it's really not.  It's about the length of an average term paper.  And I've written that much in much less time.  So, it can be done.

It's still substantial work, but it'll be much more chill.  I will get to do a little outside research, I will have everything I need to write at my disposal.  It's just a matter of doing it.

Another Comps Post

My second in-house comp exam is Tuesday.  I have a nice long weekend to do any final preparations.  

I had a meeting with the professor who will be administering this particular test earlier this week.  She's wonderful, although she may not be the most organized professor ever.  She totally made me feel at ease about the upcoming test.  She was like, I haven't written the question yet, but it's going to include themes like blah, blah, blah, I'm not going to limit it to any specific works, so you can talk about what you want, there will be no surprises...all you have to do is write it.

That's fabulous.  I mean, I don't have to stress about whatever it is on my list I haven't read in its entirety yet.  She's basically like, just write about whatever you want.  Brilliant.  It's great to not be a huge, teeming stress ball, but in a way, her reassurance has made me feel more lax.  On a day that I should be conscientiously preparing, I'm feeling kind of spacy.  I'm at a coffee shop.  By the window.  I'm (supposed to be) skimming through articles and previous papers I've written for this professor's class to help me organize my ideas, but here I am, daydreaming and mind wandering on my blog.

 

I emailed my professor who wrote the questions for my previous exam about something unrelated and in her reply, she offhandedly mentioned that my exam was "well done."  It made my day.

I constantly fight to resist my urge to control.  To try to figure it all out.  You think I would have learned by now that it's impossible.  It's so hard for me to let go and trust.

All I can think about is how I'm going to finish this program.  Where I'm going to end up.  How things are going to end up.  I looked out the window and saw a family crossing the street.  The dad had a little girl by the hand and the mom had a little baby swaddled up against her in one of those sling things.  I thought about my hypothetical daughter.  And would you believe she already has a name?  Violet.

I have more pressing things to do than ruminate over my hypothetical little girl.  I have to study.  I have to finish this other dissertation fellowship application.  Since I've already applied to one, this one shouldn't be too difficult.  Just tweak some things and keep it moving. 

Sigh.  Gotta snap out of it.  

One Down, Two to Go

So, I took my first comprehensive exam today.  Genre: poetry.  Open up an envelope.  Take out the questions your professor has carefully crafted.  Choose one.  Write for 4 hours.  Save it on a flash drive.  Be done.

I mean, I guess I felt prepared.  There were no surprises.  I won't say it's the most stellar thing I've ever written in Spanish, but I feel like I answered the question.  I wasn't super stressed.  Like, I was almost scared at how non-stressed I was.  Almost like, shouldn't I be more worried?

I'm not saying I didn't take it seriously.  Just sat down, made my little outline, and got to work.  The 4 hours really flew by.

One more four-hour in-house, then a two-week-long take-home. ¡Sí, se puede!

Tomorrow

marks the day I take my first comprehensive exam.

At this point, it is what it is.  I feel that I should have prepared more intensely, but I cannot say that I am unprepared.

I can't believe it.  I've been complaining about it and talking about it and fretting about it and obsessing about it for months, and now, at long last, it is upon me.

I take another one next Tuesday, and after I complete that one, I will have a "take home" that I will have two weeks to complete.  Once I turn that sucka in Feb 4th, then I will be able to breathe.  (A little bit.)

1. A month after I turn in my take home = oral comps defense
2. Two weeks after oral comps defense = prospectus submission
3. A month after prospectus submission = prospectus defense
4. Successful prospectus defense = ABD.  All But Dissertation.

So, if I do everything I'm supposed to do, I'll be ABD by April.  Then the real fun begins.

Semesterly Life

One of the things I love about being a student, and I guess just about being in the teaching profession and academia overall is the idea of a new life every semester.

Every semester, your life gets a new little schedule, you see new little faces and you get to start afresh.  Set the right tone, set the right expectations, get off on the right foot.  I love that feeling.

This morning I got up and said, I'm going to do this right.

I put on a particularly professorial looking ensemble because I like to look extra professorly the first day.  An argyle sweater over a collared shirt and whatnot.  I love the look on their faces when I introduce myself as a 3rd year PhD.  I'd like to think it's because they think I look young.  I think I have another good group.

This semester, particularly this month, is going to be intense.  I should be flipping out right now, but hey, it is what it is, comps are coming up starting next week whether I'm ready or not, so I just have to buckle down.  I finally got that dissertation fellowship application sent off.  One of my committee members who wrote me a recommendation said she wrote me "a very strong letter."  It felt good to finally cast that bread out into the waters.  Shall it return to me after many days?  Time will tell.  There's one more I'm applying for due next month.  I can just tweak the stuff I wrote for the last one, so it shouldn't be too difficult.  Vamos a ver.

I have to stay focused.  "You'll be fine," he said.  "You're smart and you're hardworking and you're going to dominate it.  You just have to keep your focus."  Well, thanks for believing in me.  "And not get distracted," I added.  "Especially by you."  We laughed, but I was only half kidding.  Don't distract me, bro.

2014: I Will Speak Life

Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21).

I've resolved to speak life this year.

Today's only the second day of the new year, and I've already caught myself breaking my resolution.

What I realize is that I allow a whole lot of negative, cynical things to come out of my mouth.  What comes out of your mouth is what you accept as true.  And what you accept as true is what you believe.  And what you believe is what you will act upon.  And what you act upon is what determines your life.  Or death.

This year, I want to make a conscious effort to speak life.  Speak positive, encouraging, uplifting things.  Speak from a place of confidence in God.  Speak from a place of assurance in my identity in Christ.  Speak from a place of faith, not fear.

It's harder than it seems.  Just today, I was toiling away at this dissertation fellowship application, and I said, "I am way in over my head on this one."  But no.  I remembered my resolution and said, "But I'm going to do it anyway."  It's worth it.  I am qualified.  I was encouraged to go for it and I am going to follow through.

I'm tired of negative thoughts reigning in my mind and allowing them to come into existence by speaking them out loud.  It truly is a trend I want to reverse.

When the new semester starts in a few days, I'm going to have to hit the ground running.  It's going to be very intense.  There are still so many unknowns.  But I must remember to speak life in the midst of the intensity and in the midst of the unknown.

I had a little side resolution last year that I want to embark upon again this year and that is to learn something new.  Some new skill or talent.  Last year, it was gardening.  This year I think it's going to be knitting.  I've always wanted to learn how to knit.

For the longest time, I've been sort of taken with the idea that maybe one day I would inspire something creative. I've always wanted someone to write a song about me.  Well, I listened to it today.

O RLY?

And just when I thought I was finished with the problematic justification...

First, I wrote it.  Sent it in.  Elaborate here, add a citation here, elaborate there, add a sentence here, she said.  Usually, elaborate means add.  As in, it's gonna be longer than what it was when I initially turned it in.  I elaborated, I added.  Sent it in again. Then homegirl said, Oh, dear, now it's too long.  O RLY?  Now I got to cut back on what you told me to add.  O-kay.  O-kay.  So then I had to slash that sucker back down to size.  Hombre, te lo digo de verdad.  Whittled that puppy down and sent it back in.  Will it be the last?  Time will tell.

It does feel good to have it off my hands again, though.

Ah, but reading.  Finished Junot Diaz's Drown.  Exquisitely written, but mad depressing.  Now I'm reading this experimental novel written by an Afro-Argentine writer that is chock full of Argentine slang flying over my head.

Ah, but dissertation fellowship application.  Due January 6, genius.  The day you start your new life of the new semester.  You must needs get cracking.  Statement of purpose, et. al., honey.  These documents ain't gonna write themselves and then proceed to attach themselves to Interfolio.  No, ma'am.

Ah, but a sweet, unassuming, long-lashed, dimpled, freckle-faced, guitar-playing, Spanish-speaking, singer-songwriting guy.  Who wants to write a song together.  Who introduced me to linguistics terms like 'idiolect' and 'isogloss' and 'implicature.'  Who appreciates GRE words.  Who "can't wait" to come to church with me again.  Who wants to study the Bible in the original Greek and Hebrew.  Who really wants things to work out.

Yes, yes.  I must be careful and use discernment.  Without a doubt.  This is true.  I am quite aware of the complications of it all.  I don't dismiss anyone's concern.  It very well may not work out and I would have to be okay with that possibility.  But can I be for real about something?

I have been in a few situations where everything looked great on paper, but in the end, to be frank, the other party was just not willing to do what it takes.  He was not willing to work for me.  He was not willing to commit.  He was unsure.  He was not confident enough to or simply unwilling to pursue me.  As my friend used to say, he couldn't back that stuff up.  "He can talk a good game, but can he back that stuff up?"

In other situations (where perhaps the paperwork wasn't exactly the best), I was essentially told that wanting the person I date or marry to share my faith was "too much to ask."  O RLY?

Well, now I'm in a spot where the paperwork isn't all in order, but the other party is quite willing to work for me and pursue me, seems sure of what he wants and is willing to commit.  I'm in a spot where, so far, wanting him to share my faith is not too much to ask.  Time will tell.

Handle it.

I'm at Starbucks, determined to revise my problematic justification before I dare do anything else.  I will finish this today.  Nope, I don't even wanna hear it.  You will finish this today.

But everything I hear (snatched conversations), listen to (Pandora + Starbucks background music), read (FB newsfeed, CNN.com) think about ("How am I going to get this done?"  "How am I going to get through comps?"  "How is this relationship going to play out?") while trying to get to the matter at hand is making me tear up.  In the middle of Starbucks.  With a long since cold caramel brulee latte.

My friend said, "It's okay to cry.  It's just a human response.  Like laughing."  But I guess laughing is more socially acceptable than crying.  Laughing is more okay than crying.  Should it be?

I'm getting this revision done today.  I need to get it done so that I can do some more side editing for my prof.  Extra cash is nice, but I have to handle my own stuff first.

Handle my own stuff.  Handle it.  "It's handled."

Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? But it is a question that rests on my lips more often that I'd like to admit.

Can I say it?  I'm tired of this unsettled feeling.  That there is still so much work left to do before I can even think about settling in any manner anywhere in any concrete kind of way makes tears spring to my eyes.  I'm tired of being assaulted by cognitive dissonance.  It seems that there is no slice of space that will allow me to comfortably settle in.  The idea that I will just have to constantly navigate more or less acceptable spaces along with a constant bit of discomfort makes tears spring to my eyes.

This morning, I woke up and said, "Thank you, God, for taking care of me.  I have confidence in You."  I want to believe it so badly.  I want to believe it constantly and consistently.  Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

What's really going on?

I met someone when I wasn't trying to meet anyone new.  It came at a time when I had finally decided that I was done dealing with another person in my life.  I was done, as in, I was done opening myself up to him: "You have everything to give and he has everything to take."

It sort of happened.  He asked if I wanted to have coffee sometime.  We started playing the guitar.  We enjoyed each others' company.  I was in denial.  No, it's not like that.  Until it was.  What makes you think this could work?  It couldn't work.  It wouldn't work.  You're too different.  And church!  Hello, skirt girl.  And church.

 Whatareyougettingyourselfinto?  Whatareyouthinking?  Whatareyoudoing?  But I'm not.  doing.  anything.  I'm just trying to finish this program.  How can I shut myself off from the world?  Is that what I'm supposed to do?  I could've said no to coffee.  I could've said no to jam sessions.  I could have said no to going to hear him play open mic at a coffee shop downtown.  But I didn't.  And should I have?

So, what's a church girl to do other than bring up church?  I mean, hey, this is important to me.  What's a church girl to do other than be upfront?  But I'm too much of a weirdo . . . it's too weird, he's not going to be interested, it's so different.  I'm so different.  He won't understand.

But then he wanted to have a Bible study.  We did.  And then he wanted to come to church.  He came. And now he wants to get baptized?

What's really going on?  Like, is this for real?  This is not supposed to be happening.  You weird little flirt to converter.  Missionary dater. Why can't you stick with your own already-churched kind?  But . . . I wasn't trying to . . . 

"Well, just be careful."  "Well, just pray."  "Well, it's a process."  "But, weren't you just talking about some other guy? It's too soon."  "That's really fast, isn't it?"  "Just wait and see."

I know.  I know.  Iknowiknowiknowiknowiknow.

I'm trying to just breathe.  Just trying to not get in the way more than I already have.

I have to be honest and say I don't know what's really going on.  I can't call it.  So I'm trying to let it be.  And I'm trying to enjoy the journey.

All Things Go

1. Gave a presentation about my experience in Cuba yesterday.  It went over really well and I got a lot of positive feedback.  One of my major professor's students came and she said after listening to my presentation, she wanted to go to Cuba, too.

2. An abstract I submitted was accepted to a conference at UT Austin.  I'm really excited about it because it was the conference that I most wanted to attend.  It is on a much broader scale than Romance Languages, and will give me a bit of versatility because the paper I'm presenting is a little outside of my usual scope.  I'll get partnered with a senior scholar and my paper may even have the chance to get published.

3. I got an email from my professor who is now at a prestigious Ivy League and she's arranging for me to spend the summer there either as her research assistant or as a research fellow of some sort for me to get research underway for my dissertation.  She'll find out for sure whether she's won any of the grants she's applied for by the end of the month.

4. Upon my return from Thanksgiving break, a very sweet friend gave me a sunflower and a mix CD he created for me.  He said they were songs he liked that he thought I would like, too.  The first one goes like this.